Will the real Baby Momma please stand up!

By Percy V. Daswitty, July 31, 2010 10:24 AM

Budding Babies

“Youth is wasted on the young,” George Bernard Shaw had said. I never really cared to understand what that meant as a young man, but it socks me in the gut now. Unfortunately, much of today’s youth are too wasted to realize where they’re headed.

Babies have been having babies who will soon be having babies. General insecurity, lack of esteem, and loss of confidence in society express themselves through the generic body art and piercings I see (by “generic” I mean that these graphics  and objects are the same and have no inner connection or meaning to the individual); resorting to violence to resolve conflicts, and using conversational swearing as a second language.

I realize that not all young people are this way, and I thank the Spirits for that. My parents didn’t approve of some of the things I said, did, watched or listened to; as well as what their parents thought of them, and so on down the line. Mothers and fathers have been and will (mostly) be concerned about a child’s alignment. That’s only natural and in natural accordance, but what when that concern deteriorates over time to the point that it is removed? No longer any influence?

Entropy plain and simple and with such frightening effect that seems to be mainly evident in American society. It exists in other cultures and even imitated, but the real sickness resides here. It is also amplified by the incessant influx and bombardment of media junk from around the globe that we voraciously consume. Makes me wonder sometimes if anybody’s behind it all since the rate of decay is directly proportional to the rate of exposure and consumption.

Next, whatever happened to the words “mother, father, son, daughter, child, spouse, husband or wife?” Even “old man,” or “old lady?” What irks me the most is that mother and child have quickly become “Baby momma.” Does momma have a name? Does baby have a name or a sex for that matter? It’s not even possessive! Now that’s confusing. Does he mean his child’s mother, or that his mother is an infant? Is his mother in a state of temporal flux? Whew, what a concept!

Also, in the case of fathering multiple children with a different momma, then it’s “My other baby momma.” To take this dangerously further, if the other baby momma has a same-sex partner, is she “My other baby other momma?” I’m going nuts! This family tree has Dutch elm disease.

''I got five Baby Momma!''

 
 
“There is no doubt that it is around the family and the home that all the greatest virtues – the most dominating virtues of human society – are created, strengthened, and maintained.”
Winston Churchill
 
“My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!”
Henny Youngman

Bond. James Bond!

By Bucky O'Hara, July 29, 2010 11:15 AM

''Shaken, not stirred.''

Hugh is working on updates to his Getting to Know Hugh page and to Heavy Thinking. The only thing heavy on Hugh is his rear end.

What I’m here to say is “try adding a little more danger your life.” You can make it so much more adventursome if just you give it a little thought. Here is a for instance.

Recently I visited the County Court building downtown to research some court records. When entering the premises, the first thing, of course, you have to be strip searched – not literally – by security. Now, I carry a pocket tool, as I call it – one of many – that can be used as a weapon. It is, after all, a utility knife. They, then, make you surrender the offending item to prevent mayhem and manslaughter. It can be retrieved when you exit the building.

Well, I decided to have a little fun with the lady and said, “You’ll probably think I’m joking, but I don’t need this for a weapon. I can kill with my bare hands. I even have a license to Kill.”

“I’ve heard that one before, Mac.”

“I’m quite serious,” I continued. “I have descretionary authority to kill any person, civilian or military, without showing cause. This authority is granted to by Executive Order through a special sub-section of the Special Forces Dept. at the Pentagon. You can look it up.”

She was beginning to get a little surly, so I tried a different approach to yanking her chain.

“I have to admit. I would have second thoughts about taking on someone like you. I mean, if looks could kill…” And that got the reaction I was looking for. PRICELESS! Next time I’m taking my video camera.

~ Bucky says bye, bye!

A Time for Remembrance

By The Real Hugh, July 28, 2010 8:30 AM

With great sadness, we say goodbye to a dear friend this morning. Some weeks ago I wrote a tribute to a friend who had been suddenly stricken with Cancer. He battled bravely, in order to remain with his family, that he could continue to watch over them and share in their lives and accomplishments. It was not to be. I continue to refer to him as “Jerry” to respect the privacy of surviving family members.

“Jerry” will always be remembered, by those whose lives he touched, as a “Good Guy.” As in the old westerns, he was was one of the guys in the “White Hats.” He proudly served his country as a pilot and later fufilled his goals as Captain of a 777 airliner. Ironic, in that their is great esoteric significance in this number. According to the tradition of Himalayan masters, 777 is the number of the celestial man and symbolizes the transmutation which takes place at the time where the man becomes conscious of the necessity to cover the path of initiation, and that he perceives, even of an elementary manner, that the goal is in God. He has now gone to be with his God.

His loving wife will continue on in this world; surrounded by their many loving friends and the children and grandchildren who will always love and respect his memory. They will remain strong in the knowledge that they will all be together again, when called. It is at this time we send our love and sympathy for the pain of their loss.

Goodbye… for now!

High Flight


Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I’ve climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds – and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of – wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence. Hov’ring there
I’ve chased the shouting wind along, and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up the long delirious, burning blue,
I’ve topped the windswept heights with easy grace
Where never lark, or even eagle flew -
And, while with silent lifting mind I’ve trod
The high untresspassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand and touched the face of God.

Pilot Officer Gillespie Magee
No 412 squadron, RCAF
Killed 11 December 1941

I stand corrected, but won’t be standing after another brandy!

By Percy V. Daswitty, July 27, 2010 12:24 PM

''A toast from the toasted!''

Many thanks to Mr. Murdock for my little boo-boo. You’re absolutely right about Zsa Zsa’s hubby being a Prince instead of a Count. But does he count for anything? He certainly could count up to 3.3 million dollars after that debacle with Elke Sommer. I’ll bet he claims to have slept with her, too. That would really be “A Shot In the Dark.” Anyway, I’ve promoted him back to a Prince so he can regain some dignity. Toodles, and thanks for the comment.

The Empire Strikes Back

By Bucky O'Hara, July 27, 2010 9:48 AM

Evil Lord or new Robin Hood?

Lord Vader of the evil Empire has resorted to robbing banks these days. It seems the Dark Side is in need of some capital funding along with many others who are experiencing financial difficulties in this troubled economy.

Considering how Pay Czar Kenneth Feinberg feels about the 1.6 Billion dollars in executive bonuses at 17 banks receiving bailout (TARP) money, I’m wondering who the real crooks are. He believes that shaming them is punishment enough. What he fails to realize is that they have no shame.

These same banks are reaping HUGE profits by gouging credit card holders with excessive interest rates. This includes account holders who are not delinquent and make more than the minimum payments. They are keeping money tight which is stagnating the economy. Few people can obtain a mortgage these days and with no buyers the property values are being artificially deflated.

The previous extreme was to grant a home loan to anyone. This was the mistake that helped send us over the edge in the first place. The banks have implemented a new model which allows them to profit in both directions and the average citizen gets burned. They have an vast arsenal of financial weaponry. The Credit Default Swap is one example. The fiscal chicanery that has been practiced in our finacial markets in irresponsible and reprehensible. The loser is YOU!

In my book, I score it Darth Vader – 1 : Bank Execs – 1.6 Billion!!!

~ Lord Bucky has joined the Dark Side!

What’s Happening? Part 3: Treatment or “Pardon me, but you’re violating my space!”

By Percy V. Daswitty, July 26, 2010 5:20 PM

“Yeah, I’ll tell you all how we know each other! My Steffy and I took a ride on this monster’s bus on what was a gorgeous summer’s day. He’s the devil incarnate! No, really! He wouldn’t stop insulting her…then he went berserk and killed all those people! Technicalities my white-boy ass! The dog was just an appetizer…a warm-up!” Chris accused, glaring at Hap who was now looking at everyone with the innocence of a cherub as Nieda squirmed in her chair.

“Hey, Pal!” It was the red-headed Randy again. “You didn’t tell us about your wife. She wanted to know if she’s a sexy kraut! C’mon dude!” “HEY, LEAVE THE MAN ALONE!” Hap snapped as he shot a serious glance at Randy and a quick smile at Chris.

“Whoa! Whoa, there!” Chris called out at Hap. “When did you start to care about me, or for anybody else? Changed your tune since you got in trouble, eh?” Hap realized that he’d been called, and that all eyes were now on him. He froze.

“I’m waiting, Hap!” leveled Chris. “Is there anything you’d like to say to me since you’ve already given Stephanie a nervous breakdown? Since we’ve separated? Since I now have to come to these embarrassing groups to save us…because of your disgusting mouth?”

“YEAH…WHAT’S THAT ON YOUR NECK?” retorted Hap. The attention was on Chris and his bandage now. Joey spoke up and said “Who did that to you? Your wife?” The entire group watched Chris as the blood drained from his face. He folded his arms across his stomach and looked down at the floor. Nieda’s eyelids fluttered as another new drama was unfolding for her. Developments such as these were the perks of the job, and she began to writhe in orgasmic ecstasy. This was going to be a big one!

“We did have a disagreement a couple of weeks ago. It’s okay. She’ll get over it…it’s okay,” Chris said solemnly. “MUST’VE BEEN A HELL OF A DISAGREEMENT THEN! LOOKS LIKE A BIG ‘OWWEE’ TO ME!” Hap fired at him. “Did…she…h-h-hit you…over some-s-something?” Nieda managed to get out, her breathing quickening now.

Chris summoned the courage to look across at everyone. Even towards Hap, the man he loathed and blamed solely for his misfortune. “Well…we…Steffy and I were watching TV. It was all that we really did together after the bus experience. I was hoping that something intimate would eventually happen…you know.” He paused for a moment, afraid to go on.

“And then how did things go?” asked Joey with a concerned look. The kind of look that was looking for something to react to. “We were watching Hollywood Squares, and that Gilbert Gottfried guy was the center square. I love him but Steffy hates him. The question was about sex, and…and.” “S-sex…sex…Chris. The f-funny Jew…please…g-g-go on!” begged Nieda.

“He said something about big girls, and she started crying. Exactly the way she did when ‘Mr. Charisma’ here started on her on the bus. When I put my arm around her to comfort her, a pop-up message appeared from Pay-Per-View that I totally had forgotten about. That’s when it happened.”

“THAT’S WHEN WHAT HAPPENED, BUDDY?” Hap interrogated him with a grin that could outshine a supernova. “Oh God, no! I can’t let him win! No! No!” Chris thought despairingly. He took a deep breath. “We hadn’t been intimate for a while. I was stressed, so I had ordered ‘XXX Teen Baton Twirlers.’ It was about to play…and I forgot! I forgot!” His eyes raced around from face to face, looking for an expression of sympathy or, at least, understanding. All he got were hungry stares, and he imagined himself a wounded lamb about to be pounced upon.

“G-go on s-s-sir,” gasped Nieda. “I-I’m al-a-almost there!” She swooned and swayed forwards and back in the small chair. Suddenly there was a sharp, quick knock at the door. Nieda was impervious to anything at that moment, but the others looked over to see it open to reveal the unkempt hair, grizzled beard and scrunched-up, weather-beaten face of a small but kindly looking man. He stuck his head inside, surveyed the scene and said “Howdy y’all! Is this the drinkin’ room?”

“Darling, I’ve fallen…and I can’t ring the servants!”

By Percy V. Daswitty, July 25, 2010 3:49 PM

''Am I credible, darling?''

Hello! It’s the real me again this time. No, really it is Percy this time (Hap is on the way), and I’m sorry that I was absent for a couple of days. Our oldest glam girl Zsa Zsa Gabor had a little accident last weekend while answering the phone and broke her hip. I can just imagine the scene. The maids frantically babbling away that the “Grand Lady” is injured, and Prince von Anhalt issuing orders of the utmost importance.   Maybe she was upset that there was no category for “Hungarian Royalty” on Jeapardy and she got a little pissed. Not the first time for her.

Her publicist has said the beauty queen is “vacant,” “uncommunicative,” and bleeding excessivley. Her husband says she is unable to swallow. Poor guy, but who would expect her to do that anyway? There also was a blood transfusion.

One of the most pleasant events that I experience are the visits from my my dear departed cousin Dovetonsils. He’s a lonely man who appears to me somehow when things bother me. Funny how the dead can be popular. He spoke to me last night in the usual way. I have to place something odd for him to channel through (typically a box of animal crackers or a cordless screwdriver) on the kitchen table so that we can begin our conversations. He revealed that he had had a romantic liason with Zsa Zsa in the past, and apparently still has a bit of a thrill for her. Funny how the dead can have necrophilia.

Nevertheless, he has written a poem for her. He hopes that it will trigger old memories, and also to help in her recovery. So, being the faithful relative that I am, I present it to you thus:

Zsa Zsa one of sisters three

of European royalty.

Cavorting on that beach in France

where I pulled down your underpants,

I said “Marry me!”

and you said “Nay.”

I asked “But why?”

“Because you’re gay!”

Never really parted nor said goodbye

though many years have since gone by,

I saw you fly, I saw you flop

I saw you when you hit that cop.

So now you’ve had a painful dump

on your aristocratic rump.

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men

were summoned to put Zsa Zsa together again.

I have but one question to shed some new light,

Did Johnny ever pet your pussy that night?

 

"Does the hair look good?"

Life is but a Dream: Part 3

By Hugh Betcha, July 24, 2010 5:30 AM

''Send me your young, your innocent and helpless.''

Holloway turned and faced the mirror that hung behind his desk. It was then he saw, above his reflection, the image of a grotesque face, a face masked in evil. The eyes bulged and cast a yellowish glow, the cheeks were sunken and the mouth was a wide almost lipless slash. Then the Thing spoke.

“You have no reason to fear me, Jackson. I am your creation. It was your imagination combined with some of nature’s magic that has called me from my slumber,” it said.

It spoke in a strange, almost hypnotic voice. Holloway found he was unable to utter a word. He stood motionless as the apparition moved around the desk toward the center of the library; Holloway collapsed into his chair.

“We’ve had a bit of fun tonight, you and me,” it continued. “Let me tell you all about it.”
As Holloway slumped in the chair the villainous creature verbally drew a scene of violence and bloodlust so vivid that Holloway nearly retched. He described every detail of the murder and the mutilation that followed. The ghoul watched the changes in the face of his host and savored each moment. By the time he had finished Holloway looked as lifeless as the victim’s corpse this monster had just described.

“What is it that you want of me?” Holloway implored.

“Why, I want you to tell my story. I want you to tell the entire world my story. It’s our story, really. But don’t worry, I’ll keep our little secret to myself.”

“What did I have to do with all this?”

“I told you, it was the power of your thoughts that combined with the mold is some tainted rye bread that allowed me to come through from the netherworld. When the sad fool whose body I inhabit ate that foul sandwich it allowed me to enter your world and possess his worthless carcass. You have it there in your notes! Ergot; it’s the mechanism that alters the mind and opens that doorway of mind to me and others of my ilk”

He laughed and Holloway cringed.

“We have a great deal of work ahead of us. But the night is young,” again he rejoined his remarks with insidious laughter. With reluctance Holloway turned to his laptop and began to compose the story as it was related to him. He showed no emotion this time as the Thing retold his tale.

Holloway paused as the Thing detailed the workings of the human mind and how he is able to corrupt the Id; compromise it and possess it as his own. Could all this be real? He pondered the question as his fingers feverishly took down every word. In the end he was drained and nearly collapsed onto the oak desk. He slept a dreamless sleep.

He had no idea how long he had slept. A bell seemed to have been ringing in his head. His brain eventually translated the sound to that of the telephone on the side table across the room. He felt awkward as he attempted to cross the room to answer. Consciousness returned grudgingly and granted no reprieve.

As his mind cleared, he felt as an amnesiac might that had awakened to find himself among strangers; strangers he had known his entire life. His sense of déjà vu heightened as he lifted the receiver of the phone.

“Hello!” he said.

“Jack! Turn on your T.V. There’s been another murder,” sputtered the voice on the phone.

“Who is this?”

“It’s me, Brad. You’re editor. No nonsense. Turn on the NEWS!”

“You mean David? Dave Miller is my editor.”

“Christ, Jackson. I’ve been your editor for two years. Brad Mueller. Now turn on the television. And call me back in the morning. We really have to talk.”

He couldn’t shake the sense of how foreign the room felt and yet how familiar it was.
He reached for the remote and the images from the screen only added to Holloway’s confused frame of mind. The local reporter hammered out the facts like a teletype.

“Police officials have offered no explanation for whom or what is behind these bizarre murders. They are keeping this one under raps as the investigators continue to comb the crime scene for clues. The Commissioner has called a NEWS conference for 8:00 a.m. and will be making a statement. In addition, the Medical Examiner is expected to provide some information into the nature of the slayings.”

The reporter paused as emergency personnel moved passed. They were removing the victim on a stretcher as a bloody hand dropped ominously to the pavement. The cameraman moved in close with cold professionalism, catching the gruesome scene in detail.
“For God’s sake, pick that up and get her to the Morgue,” bellowed the detective, “Can’t you two do anything right?”

Detective Dugan was a “seen it all” police veteran who hated incompetence and sloppy police work. “Get a Forensic Tech to collect the scraps of material from this dumpster” he commanded. “I don’t want to be here all night.”

The NEWS crew from Channel 12 continued to crowd the investigators hoping for explicit shots of the crime scene. “We will continue to bring you updates as the investigation unfolds here near Market Square.” The reporter turned his microphone in the direction of Detective Lt. Dugan.

“Get that damn thing out of my face.” He responded.

“We’re going out live, Sgt.”

“It’s Lt.! Lt. Arthur Dugan! And I don’t give a rat’s ass about you reporters. I’ve got a job to do here and if you persist in getting in our way I’ll haul you in for OBSTRUCTION!”

Holloway watched the flickering screen; his body was nearly in a state of rigor. “It’s all true. It happened just as that demon said.” Despite seeing it with his own eyes he still could not comprehend the possibility of it.

To be continued.

A Little Help From My Friends

By Bucky O'Hara, July 23, 2010 5:50 AM

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When I first saw John Belushi’s give this performance on Saturday Night Live, I thought it so hilarious that I laughed until I cried. Joe Cocker did not have the same opinion when John reprised his act while Joe was the guest performer on a later episode.

They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I say there is no substitute for an original. And Joe Cocker is an Original with a capital O. This guy has covered just about everybody’s music and always seems to make it his own. From The Boxtop’s mid 60s hit The Letter, to Billy Preston’s You Are So Beautiful his unique and soulful vocalizations render me spellbound; to say nothing of his bizarre onstage gesticulations. He evokes a passion and lust for life that few performers can match. Hell, it may just be all the heroin that went up his arm back in the day.

When I first heard Feelin’ Alright as performed by Three Dog Night I thought it was a a good Rock tune; but when I heard it done Cocker style, he transformed it into an edict!

He remakes a Beatles favorite like She Came in through the Bathroom Window and it conveys a quality like resurrection. With a Little Help from My Friends is never more poignant than when Joe sings it. It’s almost like Gospel!

Nevertheless, this edited version of his Woodstock performance, that inspired Belushi’s onstage antics years later, is so funny that I peed my pants. And I’m not even ashamed to admit it. Have a look and you be the judge.

~ The Buckinator

When Life hands you lemons…

By Hugh Betcha, July 22, 2010 9:20 AM

…MAKE CABBAGE SOUP!!!

''Cabbage soup from a chowder head!''

I’ve been getting my ass kicked for so long, lately, that people are beginning to think that the shoe leather on my backside is making a fashion statement. When it came time to plan dinner this evening, I was reminded of the “old saw” that goes “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.”

I didn’t happen to have any lemons and I wasn’t interested in making lemonade. I prefer Iced-Tea. The point is this; seeing how I lacked both the lemons and the desire for lemonade, and adding that to the fact that I had picked up a head of cabbage, yesterday, it seemed the obvious answer was to make cabbage soup.

After using the computer to locate a suitable recipe, I quickly set about making the cabbage soup the same as I go about most tasks, by winging it. I started out following the instructions as far as shredding the cabbage and adding it to the sauce pan along with the Olive Oil and ICB it’s not Butter. From that point I proceeded to throw caution to the wind.

On a dare, I decided to grate some carrot into the pan. After cutting up the potatoes, I determined that it needed the added dimension of some of my “Baby Bellas.” I like to sautee’ the little buggers in Olive Oil and season with garlic and Basil. I also cut up some chunks of a purple (red) onion in place of the scallions. Finally, I combined the whole stinkin’ mess in the same pot with the cabbage. Oh, don’t forget to remove some of the cabbage first to use as garnish. I ended up using 3 14 oz. cans of Swanson’s Chicken Broth. I wanted plenty of broth. I lacked the garlic cloves, so I used garlic powder. Fresh is best, but I used what I had. Throw in some bay leaves, too.

The result would make the Soup Nazi beg for recipe and cry like a little girl when he is refused a second cup. He’s a whiney little bi–otch.

Even the “Chiefie” tried some and she won’t eat anything green or remotely related to the vegetable kingdom. I’m the closest thing to a vegetable to touch her lips. So, next time your day sucks; do what I do, make soup!!!

~ Hugh Betcha

* Did you figure out the anagram from yesterday? What does “And I hesitated” rearrange to spell? Here it is backwards.

!eid dna tihs tae

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